“life will be better in spring”

September 2009 October 2009 November 2009 December 2009 January 2010 February 2010 March 2010 April 2010 May 2010 June 2010 July 2010 May 2011 June 2011 July 2011 August 2011 September 2011 October 2011 November 2011 December 2011 January 2012 February 2012 April 2012 May 2012 June 2012

I actually... don't know what to do about myself. Or anything related to me. I have never felt so god damn fucking bad about myself.

I have been feeling so depressed today. I thought by looking at Sardina cameras I would feel better, not really. I just want them more.

I haven't felt so bad about myself in years. It is literally taking all of my effort to stop myself from doing this all over again. I am tired of me. I hate myself so much...

Is it too much to ask to be happy?
Maybe it is. Maybe I do have to rely more on myself if not even more than I already am. All the great things that have happened this year was really all me and I've never had that before. I love it. I love being happy. I know I can't be happy 100% of the time, but I think that I'm just really sick of being so damn sad all of the time. I'm tired of it, sadness drains me in the most horrible of ways. I have worked my ass off on everything in my life and I'm not going to let that go to waste any more. This year, I really am going to make it my very best.

My line up for the next few weeks is going to be absolutely intense: Saturday is McMaster (again), the 25-27 is Anime North, the 29 is Avengers and dinner with some of the most amazing people that I've ever met, June 2 is Medieval Times and shopping with the graduating music class, June 6 is Wonderland with the most amazing band. Honestly the list keeps on going. I am so happy with everything that I've managed to plan and do for not only myself and for others.

I can't...

I think I just need a little hope. Anything really will do. It feels like my soul has been drained of hope. Maybe I am looking for it in the wrongest of places or maybe I am not really looking at all. I just need that little flicker of hope. Only a little bit will do. I need it to be able to put a face on my fears. To conquer all that I am scared of, but I am missing it. I only need a little bit of hope. Today I learned that some people really can change. But there are some that will never be able to change. It always sucks being the footnote in someone elses loves story. In all honesty, I never wanted to be the footnote in your love story and I never thought that that would be what I would become. I have my own love story. It is weird because I am the good person you know? I give people chances over and over and they tend to be the chances that they do not deserve. It sucks being kind to someone who really does not deserve it. It sucks being forgiving and patient to absolutely everyone out there. I need hope. I need hope to face my fears. I need to believe again.

Currently playing: England by The National


Do you still think of me?

A stupid line to start off writing with, but it’s a question I will continuously ponder over until the next time I see you, until the next time we start a conversation – if we ever manage to start one, until the next time I see you on the street, until the next time we look at each other, but never say a word. Today I felt many things. I felt sorrow throughout my body and an emptiness in my heart.

Where have you gone?

I still feel you around me. I wear a part of you almost every single day. I am surrounded by the countless memories that we once made.

Do you remember?

Those early mornings and late nights spent in each other company. The playful moments spent just lying together talking about dreaming and the future.

We told each other, “You’re always going to be in my life” – someone always had to speak it first.

That was the summer where we were desperate for our hearts to be heard, not knowing that we were hearing each other’s hearts. I kept writing you words, but even the words I wrote could not hold the significance you had in my life.

Did you register it into your mind as well as I did?

It is hard not to cry when I think of all the ways you changed me for the better. But although you changed me for the better it seems like you became worse and in some sort of pitiful way I wanted to destroy you before you destroyed yourself.

Were you smiling when you left?

You said that I always had to smile because that was the least I could do for myself if you were never around.

Was there anything you never said to me?

I think I will always be missing the words we never spoke and the moments we never had.

I think as May approaches I'm just getting more nervous. I'm starting to plan out what I want to take next year and I'm terrified. I want so badly to take poetry, but the truth of the matter is, I suck at really analysing it. I can touch upon it, bring up some points that no one has brought up, but I suck at truly devouring a whole piece. I don't know... I think I'm just scared.

Fortitude. This word. I never even new that this word existed until One Tree Hill.God I miss watching it every week now that it's over. Fortitude - courage in pain or adversity. This word has changed my life and a hell of a lot of my beliefs. I just didn't really realize it until now. Once again, thank you One Tree Hill <3

You know that whole idea that there's always that guy who is waiting for you to fuck up your relationship?
Well... I've got a whole line of those guys.

It's extremely ridiculous how sad I really am. I'm more upset every single day. It's weird I had this hope, this really small, but potential spark of hope after we kind of worked things out. You told me that you would have time to talk more. It... feels the same. It sucks. It sucks when I have a guy ask me "How can I help?"

Or the "hold on, I'm going to call you and cheer you up"

LIKE SHIT. I don't want any of you I want my damn boyfriend to do it.
I want him to be the one who calls me.
I want him to be the one who asks me to go out and plan a fun date.
I want him to pay for all this shit.
I want him to ASK ME TO GOD DAMN DINNER.

IT IS EXTREMELY UPSETTING WHEN I GET ASKED TO DINNER BY SOMEONE ELSE WHEN I'M STILL WAITING. I'M STILL WAITING TO BE TAKEN OUT TO A GOD DAMN NICE DINNER.

I love when the guy I like gives me attention, I absolutely hate it when it's the other way around.

Emily you really need to get your shit together and start ignoring him and just not talking to him for a while.
I hate crying every day I hate it. I hate crying randomly at school.

I really really need someone. Soon.

I desperately need to do this for myself. I need to do this.
I don't want to be the one waiting anymore, frankly I'm extremely sick of it.
I fucking hate it.

I hope one day I'll be able to experience such magical moments as some of my girls...
Romantic picnics, fireworks, fancy dinners, long drives, I can only hope right?

Sometimes deep down I wonder if I'm ever worth these things. I wonder...
If I was worth these things they would have happened to me already right?

I can only just.... wait again. Wait and sit on the sidelines and watch.

Don't let them take it. Your talent, it's yours.

I was reminded of this quote from One Tree Hill today when I was thinking about my writing and it randomly popped up in my head. Sometimes I forget that this is mine and no one should be able to take it away from me. No one.

Yesterday was a difficult day for me.
Telling Jeff I wasn't really happy anymore was a hard thing to do.
Then spending the rest of the night facing that I probably can't write as well as I used to was another thing I had to face.
I spent the whole night facing the one problem that I've been upset about for countless months now. There comes a time where every life goes off course right?
For once I was so stable with my relationship, my work, my writing but my life has never been one to travel on one course and I think I realized that yesterday.
When life goes off course it's up to us to choose our direction. Now I'm just wondering where do I go. I'm fighting. I'm fighting to stay on this direction and I hope that I'll be able to put up a hell of a good fight.

I spent my night thinking about everything. I spent the morning thinking about everything and I'm reminded by a quote from Robert Louis Stevenson,

You cannot run away from a weakness, you must sometimes fight it out, or perish.

I'm not perishing. I don't want another thing to just slip away while I watch myself lose it.

I woke up contemplating about a lot of things... I also started to write. Very minimal, but I was inspired by the thoughts of the ocean on an episode I saw from One Tree Hill. But I'm writing, it's minimal. But I'm getting there.

I woke up this morning knowing that I was no longer happy any more.
I find that really displeasing and the thought scared me. Right now... I think I'm really just waiting. All it takes is one action to set me straight back on track or one action to deter me farther away.

So I'm just going to wait and see what it'll be.

But deep down I just want to scream at you HURRY UP. I'M NOT GOING TO SIT HERE WAITING. I'm not... I was looking through your cards yesterday and one of them said "Look back. Smart guys wait for pretty girls like you"

I feel like I'm the one who has to tell you to look back. Or hurry up because you're behind.

I'm unhappy. I'm really really unhappy.
And I'm scared. I'm scared that soon I won't be with you any more, because I just can't be. It's a ticking clock really... how much longer can I wait.

Lately I've been working really hard... I work from morning to nights on homework. I'm really exhausted but I know deep down that's it's just something that I have to power through. The more committed I am to working, the more money rewards I'll get later on.

But what people haven't realized is that I'm really miserable...
I'm tired and cranky and sad a lot.
I guess I just really need some time to myself without always worrying about what other homework that I have but....When am I going to have that whole day to myself.. Even this weekend I know I'll have things that I need to do :\

I've been up since 2 or 3 am...
I woke up to drunk text messages from Chris :\
I tried comforting him... I don't know I think he passed out by now ? I'd rather have him pass out than continue drinking...

I'm really sleepy, but I feel better than yesterday. I cried a lot of it out and today will be different for me. A good different.

Here I am... sitting in front of the couch writing and thinking while waiting for a call from a friend that I owe much of my time and attention to.
I think it really just hit me that after the last time, I still don't trust you. There have been too many incidences even ones that I haven't told you about that just flash it in large gold neon letters, "Don't Trust Him." And thinking about it it makes me really sad because deep down I know that I still don't trust you.
Earning back my trust isn't buying me things or saying sweet things. It's not that at all. I know what it takes... but it's one of those things that you have to figure out. It's not a level where I can measure how much I trust you. I trust when when I know I can finally trust you again.
Because really, I can't let this go. There's a lot of incidences that I've seen and that I've heard where I cannot let go.

I'm not really happy and I feel that it's been a long time since I've felt comforted around you. And I don't know what to do. Sometimes I wonder if I should do what you've done, made everything so public, people see it in person, people on facebook see it. Because my options are there, but should I really be the one to do it... To go to that level?
The empty spaces that you've left here are slowly being filled by someone, and in all honesty I don't want to stop it. Empty replies are filled with livelier, happier ones. Forgotten calls are filled with calls that are fulfilled by another.

And here I am... taking off my rings. Not because I don't want to hold your hand anymore, but because you're barely holding on to mine and it's something that I've noticed for a long time but I just refused to really see it.

It's been a while since I've posted on this blog. I've been trying to keep myself really positive and what not but it feels like I just need to rant right now. Even if it's completely pointless and means absolutely nothing by the end of this post.

Anywho. York / Ryerson. What the hell do I do ?
York has a better English program than Ryerson by far. But at Ryerson.. something about the whole school just attracts me more. And now that I'm thinking about it, it might just do English and something else NOT Early Childhood Education. I might want a second teachable for High School.... ugh. I'm so friggen conflicted at everything in my damn life.

Second thing. I swear to God we broke up years ago. Well not exactly THAT many years ago, but still. The words that I just keep hearing are pure bullshit to me, something about it all just doesn't seem genuine at all.

Third... It's the day after Valentine's day. I don't know... it's just not ME to post up EVERYWHERE what my boyfriend gets me. And I really think the People's jewelry is getting real generic. Yeah spend like $200 on a diamond necklace, it IS beautiful but at the same time it's ugly LOL iunno all I see all over my facebook are People's boxes ._.

The 50 roses thing WAS sweet though... ANYWAYS.
GEARGH what do I DO?
about EVERYTHING?

Everyday I have so much homework. I'm analyzing pages and pages of texts for Literature Studies, Family Studies i'm just sitting there doing work that I know how to do but I still do it all anyways, and Writers Craft is completely pointless to me.

Journals everyday are pointless I want it to stop I really do. Seriously today's journal was "Create a story that includes these three things: a spider, a shoelace and an ice cream sandwich" I'm sorry but WHAT?
I literally wrote down the prompt and sat there and as I'm starting to notice, so did many people. It's ridiculous, I don't like this class at all.

So Semester 1 has ended already... that's half of grade 12 already. It went by REALLY fast. I've worked hard previous years of high school as well, but this year is the year that I've worked harder than ever. It's exhausting, but kind of rewarding? Hopefully.
I never studied harder or worked harder during exam week D:

I'll be working just as hard second semester...People say grade 12's start slacking second semester, but NOT ME ><

Back to school tomorrow ~ But it's Friday so that means the weekend again !
Hopefully this semester won't be too difficult D: